19 Mar 2009 14:30
As was probably obvious to most of his readers, the Tired Donkey has been in a foul temper for the last few days; considering federal tax policy has that effect. So today the Tired Donkey has decided to forego tax research and instead make some serious policy recommendations to Myrmidon Donkey Obama’s administration.
As you, the Tired Donkey and probably MD Obama himself are aware, one of the terrible by-products of the current crisis is a kind of economic depression that grips everyone. Donkeys are depressed because MD Obama is loading them up with additional taxes; Freeloaders are depressed because they fear they may work the donkeys to death and thereby be left with nothing. This is a vexing problem, but the Tired Donkey believes he may have a solution that will make both groups feel better: the government should pay the Freeloaders to do household chores for the donkeys. This would make donkeys feel better because we would finally be getting something of value for our tax dollars; it would make the Freeloaders feel as if they were doing something good for the country. A win-win proposition.
How would such a plan work? Very simply. The federal government is already accustomed to giving what it calls tax “rebates” to Freeloaders who actually pay no taxes. This system could be easily adapted to the needs of the current proposal: once a Freeloader did work for a donkey, the donkey would give the Freeloader a “rebate” slip that he or she could file with the IRS to get compensation. A suggested Freeloader compensation table follows:
—Freeloader mows donkey lawn: $30
—Freeloader mows donkey lawn and edges: $40
—Freeloader weeds donkey flower beds: $10/hour
—Freeloader cleans donkey pool: $40
—Freeloader washes donkey car: $20
—Freeloader washes donkey car and details interior: $30
—Freeloader washes donkey clothes: $5/load
—Freeloader washes donkey clothes and folds while still warm: $10/load
These are only a few suggestions the Tired Donkey thought of off the top of his head. He is sure there are many others. But the MD Obama administration need not stop with just this plan; they should recognize that keeping donkeys happy is important because angry donkeys don’t work as hard. With this in mind, the Tired Donkey respectfully suggests the following additional measures:
—all HOV lanes should be converted to DO (Donkey Only) lanes. The Tired Donkey is not sure if this would do much good since he suspects the highways are primarily used by donkeys, anyway, but—he submits—it is worth a shot.
—there should be DO security lanes at all airports. This suggestion may suffer from the same problem as the DO highway lanes, but, again, it is worth a shot.
—Finally—and this suggestion is something that would have to be done at the state level, but MD Obama could force the states to comply by coercive use of federal spending—there should be DO lanes at the Department of Motor Vehicles in each state.
Again, the Tired Donkey is sure there are other ideas along these lines that could make donkeys feel better about our lot in life, and he urges his readers to submit them for publication at a later date. In the meantime, the Tired Donkey simply wishes to point out that he believes thanking him for his labor is no longer enough. He wants more for his tax dollars.